A Rewrite of the Heart
by snoozin81
Summary: Liberty is forced to face her feelings over loosing JT in order to complete a college essay.


**-0-0-**

Liberty knocked lightly on Ms. Soave's office door before stepping inside. "Have you had a chance to look over my University essay?" she asked, cutting right to the point.

Ms. Soave smiled, motioning Liberty into the chair that sat in front of her desk. She shuffled through some papers before she found Liberty's essay and pulled it out. Glancing over it quickly she nodded then sat it down and clasped her hands in front of her.

"Liberty, you're a very intelligent girl and your grades will show any school you apply to just how brilliant you are. You should really use your essay to show them the other sides of you. Let your personality shine through. Write about something you care about, something that inspires you, something you love. Express yourself." Ms. Soave paused, offering Liberty a reassuring smile before continuing, "It's not that you're essay isn't good. In fact it's great if you were turning it in for a grade. But it's text book, there's no feelings, no emotions in it. I think you should give it another try."

"And if I choose not to?" Liberty asked, taking the paper that Ms. Soave was handing back to her.

"Any school would be lucky to have you but they're looking for students that stick out. They want multi dimensional not just a straight A students."

Liberty nodded, hoping Ms. Soave wouldn't notice the tight grip she had on the flimsy notebook paper. How was she supposed to write about something she cared about? How was she supposed to write about something that inspired her? How was she supposed to write about something she loved when all those things had died with JT?

"Thank you. I'll take it into consideration." Liberty offered before standing up and making her way out of the guidance office. Her fist curled around the essay shaping it into a ball before she chucked it into a nearby trashcan. College was the only thing she had left and if it meant rewriting some stupid essay then that's what she had to do.

**-0-0-**

Liberty sat down at her computer desk, watching the curser blink on the blank screen. She could do this. She could rewrite her essay and add a little feeling into it. It couldn't possibly be that hard. With a sigh she poised her fingers and began to type.

_Life can change in a minute. As clichéd as it sounds it's true. One minute you're celebrating with your best friends and the next you're burying the love of your life. You expect the world to stop, to give you time to grieve but it doesn't. You continue to get up, you continue to go to school, you continue to live despite the fact that every part of you died with him._

Over and over you're asked if you're okay, if there's something someone can do and you want to shout and scream and yell but you know it won't bring him back so you simply answer politely, I'm fine, really, I just need some time. Like time can really heal your broken heart. Like time's really going to bring him back and make it all better. Contrary to popular belief time DOES NOT heal everything and as long as you live you'll miss him and you'll grieve for him.

Liberty whipped away the tears that trailed her cheek as she reread what she'd written. Then with her finger firmly holding down the backspace button she deleted it all. With a deep breath she began to type again.

_The sun was shining the day of your funeral like a big cosmic joke, one last ditch effort to make us all laugh. But there was no laughter and I'm not sure if there will ever be laughter again. How can you laugh when all you want is for the world to stop turning?_

I wake up every morning in blissful ignorance. For three whole minutes I forget that I'm not going to get to see your smile. For three whole minutes the world's right. Then reality sets in and I lose you all over again. There are so many questions and not nearly enough answers because you're supposed to be here.

We had plans for the future and despite the baby, and our breakup, and your new girlfriend I still dreamt about them, about you, about us. When I thought about the future you were always apart of it. Never did I imagine I'd have to face it alone. That's what I am now, alone.

It hurts to see our friends, to remember the times we all spent together, and know those times are gone. It hurts to know that Emma still has Sean. It hurts to know that Manny's now dating the enemy. It hurts to know that Mia got to share her daughter with you when I gave up the chance for us to share our son. And it hurts the most to know that you told Toby how you really felt about us but you never got the chance to tell me. We're all a mess and we're slowly but surely falling apart. You were the one thing that kept us all together. You were the glue in our friendship cake. Even in grief we've got nothing else in common.

I've thrown myself into school, big surprise there, but even Kwan's killer exam can't keep my mind off you. You're everywhere, every time I close my eyes. I can still smell your cologne, still hear your voice, still feel you and yet I can't reach out and touch you, I can't hold you in my arms, or whisper in your ear. I miss the taste of your lips and the warmth of your arms. I miss knowing everything's going to be okay.

The trial starts tomorrow and I'm still not sure if I'm going to go. I want to see him pay for what he did. I want to see him suffer the way he made you suffer, the way he's made all of us suffer. But at the same time, I'm not sure I can relive it again. At least not in public. Every night when I close my eyes I relive it. I go over and over every second of that day wondering if there was anything I could have done differently, anything that would have changed the outcome. What if I'd never have let Manny throw that stupid party to begin with? I should have known something would go wrong. Something always goes wrong on my birthday. Why did I think this year would have been any different? But then there was you and the incredibly sweet thought of having Manny throw me a birthday party to begin with and really how could I turn that down? So maybe I'll go and I'll sit in the front row as they rehash the rivalry and the night you died and maybe I'll feel you sitting next to me and I'll imagine you're holding my hand and squeezing it when you know I need you to.

Graduation's just a few months away and everyone says I'm a shoe in for valedictorian. Funny how it's not quite as important to me as it use to be. Sure it'll look great on my transcripts but it all seems kind of pointless now. I'm supposed to give some big meaningful speech about saying goodbye and moving on but I think we've all mastered that art this past years. The truth is we're all ready to move on, to leave Degrassi and the memories behind. We've all drifted apart, grown up, gone our separate ways. Graduation just seems like a formality something that'll give our parents closure. All I know is that when I'm up on stage, I'll be looking out into the audience and you won't be there. So who am I suppose to picture in their underwear, Mr. Simpson? No thank you.

For once in my life I have no idea what the future holds. Destiny's not in my hands and that scares me. I'm a planner, detailed minute by minute. But when life can change in the blink of an eye how exactly do you prepare for that? 

The screen blurred in front of Liberty and she had to blink back the tears. She hadn't realized how much she'd been holding inside. JT hadn't only been her boyfriend and best friend, he'd been her shrink too. Late night phone conversations had been her savior whether it was exam worries, or parent problems, or their roller coaster relationship. Just hearing his voice on the other end of the phone had been comforting. But just because he was gone didn't mean she had to stop talking to him.

Liberty hit the save button on her PC then shut the computer down. Sharing her feelings with JT was one thing, sharing them with her snoopy little brother or her nosy parents was another. She stood up and grabbed her jacket before heading out of her house and across town.

The cemetery smelled of melting snow and an early onset of spring. Liberty's boots sank into the mud as she made her way down the familiar path. She'd been their every day since the funeral. The granite stone stood off to the side, right under a large barren tree. Liberty knelt in front of it, ignoring the way the mud soaked through her pants and kissed her skin. She traced her fingers along the engraved letters that spelled out JT's full name. Tiberius, he had always hated it. But Liberty had thought it made him sound sophisticated. Which was the complete opposite of who JT really was, kind of like an oxymoron.

Liberty opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. But she didn't need to speak because JT had always known what she was thinking sometimes even before she had. He knew she loved him, she told him mere moment's before he died. It was the only piece of comfort she had. She had bared her soul, laid it all out on the line. It was the moment that would have changed everything had JT lived to see the next morning, if he'd had the chance to tell her that he loved her too. Not that he needed to, deep down she always knew even with Mia in the picture, even after JT had told her he didn't feel the same way, a part of her had known. From the second she met him, to the moment she first laid eyes on their son, to the last breath she got to see JT take. She knew just like he had known in death that she loved him. Not all love was perfect, not all love had a happy ending but their love had been the once in a lifetime kind of love that few ever get to experience.

"I loved you. I'll always love you." Liberty whispered as tears trailed marks down her cheeks. She kissed her fingers then placed them against the cold stone. A breeze blew the branches of the tree and she could have sworn she felt the soft touch of JT's lips on her cheek.

The future was full of uncertainty. Maybe she'd rewrite the essay, maybe she wouldn't. Maybe she'd go to college, maybe one day she'd try to regain custody of her son. Maybe on day she'd even fall in love again. The only thing Liberty knew for sure was that a part of her heart would always belong to JT and as long as there was a breath in her body a part of her would always love him.


End file.
